If You Only Knew
by Chimhill
Summary: this story is originally written by myself...but its also on my other account BrokenCityGirl....its all my own work.


**AN: I post this story awhile ago on my other account BrokenCityGirl, that is well me. The were originally written by ChimHill.**

**So I am not copying someone else's work. I am true to my own art.**

**If You Only Knew**

It's a quarter to three and I am still wide awake thinking if you still thinking about me. Gosh baby I miss you so much but I can't believe that you did this to us. I thought you really loved me.

I am just laying here in the dark as I turn and face the space you have left empty. It's cold here tonight and you aren't here to keep me warm. Lying next to me as we cuddled each other. I know that some nights you would pull me in as I would sleep on the far end of our bed.

If you only knew how my heart is breaking. I want to pick up the phone and just call you up telling you baby I miss you would you come back to me, but I can't do that. I can't face the fact that you have found someone else. That you gave up on my love for you. All the things we plan to do one day. The hello kisses, the hugs, the way you throw your arms around my waist when I do the cooking. As you would push closer to me. Just feeling your warmth against my ass. Gosh you won't believe how miserable I am without you here.

I went through this day knowing that there is something missing in my life and its you. I wish you never done what you did. Knowing that you want to see if it's her or me. All those things we have built over this passed months did that mean nothing to you. I know that I haven't been openly with my feelings but you knew how it is for me.

It wasn't to long that I heard the wind blowing through my bedroom window I didn't want to get up and close it because that was what she uses to do at night when she was still here.

"Spence." I called out in the dark.

"Why can't we be us again, please?" I say. I can't believe that everything I feel now is exactly what she felt when I strayed from our love.

"Ash." I hear a soft voice in the room as I knew it is just my imagination. She isn't there anymore.

"Ash." I heard again. Am I asleep and just hearing voices now? Is she actually calling me? I felt the breeze on my face as turned on my side facing the door. I couldn't believe what I saw but yet I know it couldn't be her. I knew that my mind was missing her just like my heart. She took my heart with her never to return. But my eyes stared right at the figure by the door.

"Ash." She says again. But I kept quiet.

"I never meant to leave you." she says. Its then just there that my mind went back to what occurred a few days before all this happened.

_Flashback_

_I was on my way back from another sold out concert; I couldn't wait to see her. Spencer was a college student doing her degree in civil engineering. We moved in with each other right after dating for two months because I couldn't be apart from her. She was from the country and I am from the city. _

_At first we met online through my blogs on MySpace then we moved to face book where we would talk right through the night. I must say if I have been lying to myself all this time before I actually realised it was her. I was in another relationship with a girl I met in July 2009. I only met Spencer in September a few days after her birthday. It was an instant pull towards her while I was still dating my girl friend at the time. _

_I spent sleepless nights chatting way into the morning over the phone with her, gosh just hearing her on the phone was what longed for most days. As I was more on the road then at home._

_But I knew that I had to let one of them go its then that my then girl friend realised what I have been up to with Spencer. I can't lie but I was falling hard for her no matter how hard I tried to pull away from her telling her things that would hurt her. I wasn't someone who would let people completely in I think I know more about Spencer then the people who lives with her does._

_It went great our constant flirting, we use to just say its innocent, but in my mind I knew this girl likes me she wants me up the wall and all over her kitchen. Well we would create online what we would do to each other. And oh boy it was hot. I can't believe how this girl I hardly knew could awake such emotions inside of me and she wasn't even in front of me._

_Maybe I took to long or just maybe it wasn't completely our time, but I went against the odds and told her to move on every chance I got. But I couldn't lie to myself any longer because without her in my life it wasn't right any longer._

_I felt her curl up against my back as I felt her one leg go in between mine. Just waking up like this in the mornings was great. But I knew things were busy changing between me and her, even though I don't want to believe it._

_She has been really secretive maybe she doesn't want to hurt me. My heart is breaking and I don't even know what it is she is keeping. But I know its something that might ruin us for some time._

"_Ash." She says into my neck. Just her breath on my neck let the hairs stand up. She will always be the girl who can make me feel all kinds of stuff. _

_But we fight so much every chance we get we fight. I know the minute we done arguing we tear each others clothes off. It's hot when we get into these heated arguments. I came to love the fights though. But sometimes hurtful things get said and I can't take it back because it's already out._

"_Mmm." I say. As I pull my face deeper into the cover knowing that if I am wide awake she is going to want to talk. And I don't want to talk because I know where that might lead us. Believe me this time it wouldn't be in bed. She pulls away from me and got out of bed as she throws a shirt over her naked body._

_I didn't follow her I just took my shirt and threw it over my head pulling it down as I went and lay my head back down. _

_She started to pace around the room as I just stared at her._

"_Ash we got to talk please." She says. I know how Spencer's mind works she has been hurt a lot in the past I want to believe that she loves me just as much as I love her. That this could be more then just what we are now. I always saw her being Mrs D. yeah she is always the girl I tend to marry. Sometimes she is the girl with someone else. Mostly I see a faceless girl with her but her heart keeps calling out to me._

_Like the other day I saw her at my concert after we have parted ways. She came there but as I look up I saw those blue eyes looking back at me. I couldn't believe it were her after all those times. Are sometimes I would see my wife at the time leaving me telling me that I was never ready to be in a marriage with her cause my heart is some place else. All these things in my mind thinking that the day we walk away from each other we will never get that happily ever after._

_She told me about one of her dreams about a girl she couldn't see the face but she saw the brunette with the tan skin with a ring on both there fingers but she never got to see the face. And just before we had another fight that made us split for a few days she came to me and I asked her if she saw the face. She told me that she did. I asked her who is it, she didn't want to but I kept asking as she started to tell me things about this girl. The minute she told me about a scar on her foot I knew it then but I always knew it. The first time I heard it I knew she was talking about me. That I have that scar on my foot. I asked which one she told me left. It was written in the stars already that all those things I denied way back was coming true right in front of me._

_But this girl I am seeing here pacing around here now isn't happy. She has this sad look on her face. The same face she has been walking around for quite sometime._

"_Ash." She says again. I lift my body up as I sat up against the headboard._

"_Yeah." I say. She looks at me as she threads her fingers through her hair. _

"_I don't know how to tell you this. But I just need to get this out of me before I explode." She says. I nod for her to go on. It was time I start listening like she always said I never do. I misunderstood her but its more that we both misunderstand each other._

"_I am listening. " I say. _

"_You know that I love you right." She says as I just nod my head once again._

"_But I feel like you never really loved me enough. That you always go away. That you chose her over me so many times. Even though you broke up with her to be with me I know that you loved her more then me." she says. I just don't want to say anything and let her talk, but deep down my heart is already crying._

"_Why you bringing her up in this. This about us. I thought we were doing okay. Tell me are we okay." I asked her not wanting to know the answer._

"_I met someone." She blurted out. A pang of pain swept through my soul as I could feel my heart breaking with every word she said. I kept looking at her lips as those words are being spoken like I am blocking out everything she is saying. In my mind and heart I ask myself how this can be. She told me all those things about us being forever. Do I still believe in that forever she kept telling me? _

"_And I like her, she likes me back." She says._

"_I want to see if it's her or if its you, but I don't want to loose you either." She says. I was sitting there listening to her as my tears start to fall down my cheeks. I notice she had tears coming down either. She wanted to touch my leg but I pull it away before she reached it._

"_What…What…!" I couldn't say all I wanted to. _

_I wiped some of my tears off with the back of my hand._

"_How could you. How can you love me? Are you in love with me?" I asked her. She kept quiet not saying anything._

"_Tell me you don't love me." I ask her. I want to understand her but I don't. It's not really making any sense. If you love someone and your heart know its true love why is this other person even given a thought._

"_I can't say that. You know I do." She says._

"_How long." I ask her. _

"_A few weeks." That is when it hit me. Our last argument we had I got so mad that I told her to leave me and move on. But I never meant for her to actually do it. I was making this work for us both having that life we wanted._

"_And you want to give up on us. How come Spencer. Didn't I love you enough." I ask her._

"_It's not that. I like her Ash. I am confused right now. I want to be able to figure things out on my own." She says. I pulled the covers off me. As I ran into the bathroom. I heard her knocking on the door to let her in, but I didn't want to see her face. I didn't want to look into her eyes knowing she wouldn't be mine ever again. That she actually is telling me she doesn't know if she loves me._

"_Ashley. Please it doesn't mean I am not going to be there for you. I am still here." I pull the door open as she jumped a little._

"_Don't stand there and give me that bull shit. You and I both know you not going to come back. I just want to rip my fucking heart out from feeling all this pain. I just can't stand feeling this anymore. I left her for you. For you the girl I thought I knew. The girl I thought would be there for me no matter what. But it's okay if it's what you want then do it. Don't think this is easy for me. Because I never thought you would end up being the girl to hurt me like this._

_You were the sun in my life without it there would be just darkness." I say as I couldn't stop myself from breaking out into another argument._

_How come she doesn't see it? Or maybe I don't see her clear._

"_This isn't easy for me either. But I have to see if this is what I want." She says._

"_You will never find someone like me ever again. I give you your freedom. Take care Spencer." I say._

"_Ash please just stops okay."_

"_Do I go or you." I ask her._

_She didn't reply as to when she walked over to her cupboard and pulled out a suitcase already packed. I start to gasp as I realised I have really been blind._

_She didn't say anything._

"_I give you time you need." I say again. She put on some track pants and an other shirt and walked out our bedroom._

_I wonder if our love is really that strong if she would come back to me. If what we had and what we talked about all those months we were together. If we are really meant to be._

_End of Flash back_

I woke up by my alarm as I turned to the door and saw nobody standing there. It was just a dream because remembering everything that has happened brought back that empty hollow feeling. It's not great having to live with ache. I wake up in the morning with that emptiness. I haven't eaten in days. I can't sleep at night. I try to make myself eat but it all comes back out.

But I remember IMing with her last night for a few minutes she still doesn't know what she wants. If it's still me. I keep asking if I should just hold on for awhile and give her that time she needs. But I have to make myself feel good again.

I thought the best way is to cut my hair shorter. I told her I want to be a rock star again. She said I was always that rock star.

I asked her if she loves me, if she is still in love with me, she tells me she can't say she don't love me, but I wonder where did that love go all of a sudden.

I feel like she is making a mistake but maybe it's just what she needs to find herself rather then finding someone else. I always told her that. It's like she has given up on what we could be one day. I do love her with all my heart.

It's hard when you try to win someone over but they are so scared of letting you love them. She would rather see it through with this person then seeing a forever in my eyes and in my arms.

The end


End file.
